the Ether Bunny (ninjalicious) wrote,
the Ether Bunny

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What's the best thing about Wednesday morning? Err, it's Tuesday. Yes. All of the jerky GenCon goers are already on the road and can no longer attempt to coerce me into changing my mind. Sunday night The Girl Who Ran Away With The Circus offered me the availability of a room completely to myself (unexpected extra booking). That's good. Nine miles off site. That's bad. Even if it was right on the main block, I still don't think I could have convinced myself that almost a week out there would have been more possitive than negative for me. Up until last night, I assumed The Demon was going to be with his girlfriend. I would not have been able to stand being remotely in their presence, given the current climate. Invariably, he would have approached me to say hello.. I would have been expected to smile at her. But I can't. She's been friendly to me when I had to stay with them one night to get some things left in the basement, that was probably fairly uncomfortable for her. She may be "a nice person". I can't judge that. But I can't. The part of my brain that activates so often to jump in with the unpopular, "Different people behave differently, who are you to say their way of existing isn't valid?" won't fall back on that when it comes to someone I love, honestly love in ways I can't describe. I can remember a time I wrote her a letter.. a manic, ridiculous letter.. telling her not to make the same mistakes I did, not to let him slip through her fingers because he's so special and she'd regret it later, all kinds of stuff I don't think you're supposed to say to your ex's new g/f while you're still pining and the like. All things considered, I'm relieved I never gave/sent it to her.

But back to last night. I got the impression, not stated, not implied, just.. the impression that she wouldn't be at GenCon. He was talking about plans to game with this person and drink with that person and I don't know. Maybe I read too much into stuff. It made me twinge, thinking about how much of my decision not to go was the working assumption that she'd be there. But thinking, really thinking and not just reactionary feeling pseudo thinking, I know it wouldn't be much better to be able to spend a lot of time with him in that way anyway. Of course it's amazingly fun to hang out with him.. he has one of the most enjoyable social personalities I know. (That almost feels like a confession) But the distance hurts. My urge to put my hand out and squeeze, play with his hair, sit next to him on the floor half-napping wrapped around him leg. Simple affections that aren't exactly "wrong"... but they're not right either. Not socially. Things that seem so natural to me but are reserved for relationships only.

Being out there with TGWRAWTC (I'm not writing that out again..) et al.. they're all fun people. But, they do their own thing. I don't want to 3-rd wheel with them as a couple, and I don't relish hanging out with strangers by default because well, we're all NPCing. High level neediness, mixed with equally high antisocialness. Wheee.

Is it so wrong to want to go to a con with someone? Someone to pal around with and not worry about spending too much or not enough time with because that's what we're doing, we're doing a con together?

"See you in Milwaukee. I'll meet you at Mjr Goolsbeys. I know you'll be there Twit. You're not going to miss the last GenCon. YOu'll get a ride with Kathy in 2 hours and sleep the way over."

I'm going to cry.

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