But back to last night. I got the impression, not stated, not implied, just.. the impression that she wouldn't be at GenCon. He was talking about plans to game with this person and drink with that person and I don't know. Maybe I read too much into stuff. It made me twinge, thinking about how much of my decision not to go was the working assumption that she'd be there. But thinking, really thinking and not just reactionary feeling pseudo thinking, I know it wouldn't be much better to be able to spend a lot of time with him in that way anyway. Of course it's amazingly fun to hang out with him.. he has one of the most enjoyable social personalities I know. (That almost feels like a confession) But the distance hurts. My urge to put my hand out and squeeze, play with his hair, sit next to him on the floor half-napping wrapped around him leg. Simple affections that aren't exactly "wrong"... but they're not right either. Not socially. Things that seem so natural to me but are reserved for relationships only.
Being out there with TGWRAWTC (I'm not writing that out again..) et al.. they're all fun people. But, they do their own thing. I don't want to 3-rd wheel with them as a couple, and I don't relish hanging out with strangers by default because well, we're all NPCing. High level neediness, mixed with equally high antisocialness. Wheee.
Is it so wrong to want to go to a con with someone? Someone to pal around with and not worry about spending too much or not enough time with because that's what we're doing, we're doing a con together?
"See you in Milwaukee. I'll meet you at Mjr Goolsbeys. I know you'll be there Twit. You're not going to miss the last GenCon. YOu'll get a ride with Kathy in 2 hours and sleep the way over."
I'm going to cry.