I want to take it away. Crush it under my heel. I want to smile only. I want to be more than human, above these feelings that make me tremble with fear, feeling my weakness. Talking, not even face to face, I feel a pang and cover my chest with my arm, as if I could so blatantly protect myself from harm, shield my tender insides with a flawed exoskeleton, made of flesh like all the rest.
I get in the car. That's a whole 'nother story in itself. The ability to subvert concentration. Driving soothes me. Traveling through the world almost invisible. Singing. Transferring focus to the external. But today I have no gas $, and must return.
I can still taste my heart, I am still forcing my arms into motion.
I don't want this. I just want happiness.