June 9th, 2005

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"It's weird like Florida."

Bongwater out of carpet: check.

Honey out of remote control: check.

I feel like I'm at camp all the time. I get up and a day goes by and I go to bed. There's nothing to do and there's nothing going on, it's just a day after the one before it, the day before tomorrow. I kind of figure that eventually there will be something to do but I'm not entirely sold on the idea. I mean, there's stuff, like weed and honey, but nothing really exists beyond this second. I keep thinking I'm just about to do laundry, I keep finding t-shirt deposits and putting it off another week. I buy stuff sometimes when I go out, like that wine bottle bong tote at the liquor store, or those shirts I got online because "..I just figured.. I guess I should get new shirts..?" The house is full of stuff and I don't know what it's for. Cds I don't listen to. Books I don't read. Clothes I don't wear. Decor that sits in boxes. For years I felt some kind of connection to all of this stuff, for years I felt like I had some kind of identity that stayed with me, the me that was constant throughout. I guess the me that felt connected to this stuff. I joke about bonfires, about who to invite over, but for a while now I've been pressing around the idea that if I woke up and suddenly everything was just gone, I can't conceive of caring. I can recognize that I "should". I can see where I might, at some later date. I am reasonably sure I would not now. I think, if I had a fireplace here, I'd just put something in it every day. I don't think it matters what as long as it's not: the remote, my mascara, a can of coke. It doesn't seem to matter what status an item holds.. the ceramic totoro from 1993 feels as disposable as the bowl full of screws. Even my desk is full of nonsense I never look at and don't need, and that's everything within a foot of me. I'm supposed to be "using this time" to break some of the older stuff down and pick through it, keeping stuff that should be kept and trashing the trash. I've touched almost nothing because it's all equally contextless. All I know is 30 seconds forward, 30 seconds back. I washed the recycling bin because I have to touch it.. but I haven't done laundry in a month. I slow down as I pass a rose bush, fuck I drove circles around south Jersey and Pa looking for a single magnolia to smell, but I don't wipe the remnants of last-night's lipstick off my face before walking outside.
what lies behind locked doors

you oughtta hear my

"I forget years something fierce. Everything that's happened longer ago than one year but within the last 12ish is kind of a big mash. I know what order it all happened in, mostly, but it could've all been last year, or all been last decade, I really couldn't say."

"Wearing my Deepdive helmet is the only reason to log in anymore. :( So I can ride around Duskwood like the headless horseman."
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