March 23rd, 2004


That depends on what your definition of 'is' is.

I initially got my Sanriotown email account for no other reason than they had significantly more space per free account than any of the visible competition. Once I'd joined, I reaped the additional benefits of cute wallpapers, psychological tests, and emails about Hello Kitty video games, written in characters. (Typically offering deals solely to people living in Hong Kong.) While the wallpapers have tapered off and only seem to get changed on a rough sorta-semi-monthly schedule, and the emails have converted to English, the psychological tests are still updated frequently.

Last month's test, written by someone clearly dedicated to keeping Engrish alive, had to do with eating habits and activity level. Question after question asking, for example, "You're hungry, what do you want? a) Two of everything. b) A full square meal. c) Some clear broth." I went through it naturally, not veering towards any goal, and Hello Kitty, mouthless cunt that she is, spoke thusly to me:

Metabolism is always abnormal

Living a religious life, you don't have any conditions that causes fat but unfortunately you are by nature fat. This gives you no choice. First, your family may have a fat gene, and you inherit it. Another possible reason is your body has some functional abnormalities, such as a function-blocked kidney. It causes you to retain water. Its also possible that you are not in good physical shape and is taking some kind of medicine that has side effects of increasing your appetite. Because these involve special medical knowledge, you must consult a physician or a nutritionist to get more details. You didn't have very good body when you were born, so it is unnecessary for you to repent and redress your errors.

Being fat is not your fault. To be happy is the best choice for you.

I thought to myself, Ok, I didn't answer with any inclination towards heavy activity, and I never chose mineral water as a meal, no matter how many times they rephrased the question. After taking it the next time answering with the fattest answers I could, I eventually took it answering all of the questions skinny-by-design. I participated in every activity! I ate as nothing as HK would allow! I ingested flavorless liquid at every opportunity! And I still got the same answer I got the first time! There was even a question asking how many people in your family are fat, with one of the answers being "I am not fat, nor is anyone else in my family fat." There are none who are not fat in the eyes of the Kitty! None! "Sorry Kate Moss," HK says, "It's not your fault! You inherited the fat gene!"

This month's test just came up, and I can't wait to hear her advice on "How to avoid breaking up and keep your relationship strong." I wonder if every result will end in breakups. Even in the less obvious quizzes, the traditional formula has always been degrees of negative results.
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