Goblin Town is fun.
This floor.. the one I'm lying on.. has a blue utility-grade rug. I know this, because I can see it, touch it with my fingers. It feels somewhat fuzzy. I swear when I lie down though, it's pure concrete. I've slept on floors before. Sometimes with surprising regularity. This one, somehow, just feels harder to me. Unforgiving.
I am certain the people downstairs are playing Hatt Baby.
I'm afraid to go outside. Don't get me wrong, I love [Goblin Town]. Really, I do. I've spent countless days and nights here in the past. Even slept outside on a few occasions. What is this fear I have now, then? Has the air gotten so much more polluted in a year?
Maybe, I think, I'm afraid I'm out of touch with the world I used to be so absorbed in. The people and friends and culture I left behind 5 years ago. The oath of abandonment sworn (however temporarily I told myself it was at the time) once, then sworn (so much more seriously, so much more painfully) again. Do I have any claim on this life at all anymore?
Maybe it's not the fear of failure.
For every reason I tell myself I'll fall, there is something evident to refute my grasping claims. Maybe failing is just.... easier. When there's nothing, you certainly know what you're going to get. No suprises, no disappointments, nothing to stir up the stale pot.
Speaking of stale pot.. I think it’s time to remind myself why I’m here.
Gallivanting around southern NJ was fun. In that “Luxury Handbasket for me, thanks!” kind of way. I actually had some degree of fun meeting this years round of extras.. wonder why that is? I always hated those interferences in the past.
I keep asking myself how healthy is this, really? Looking at my life through an FX filter, maybe things don’t seem so bad. But that’s not really true, is it? Much of the time, things seem worse. Hopeless. Futile. It certainly is easier though. With the fuzzy lens, I don’t have to wonder why someone I was so in love with suddenly stopped loving me.. With the fuzzy lens, my life makes sense in its senselessness.
Please baby Jebus, don’t take the fuzzy lens away.
I really don’t want to look at myself without it right now.