Why do all of my plans lately include a "getting bailed out" part of the show?
"Plans" is of course a figurative term I'm using in place of "discussions I have regarding things I'll never do, but they sound good enough to keep talking and not face actually doing anything". This statement sounds like a jab at myself and/or my (in)actions. I'm really not sure at this point if it really is, or just an explanation in the interest of clarity.
Sometimes I feel like a ticking timebomb. No clocktower, no lawn darts, not even an unhealthy amount of water balloons. But fuck if I can't figure out what it is about human beings that makes it more desirable to treat each other with paranoid hostility than any remote sort of frankness or trust. Yes I'm generalizing. No I don't mean everyone. But I hate it. I hate it, and I don't understand it, and it makes me want to curl into a ball and just STOP. I feel bad. Guilty. Like there's some part of my interconnectedness that makes me accountable for whatever some other fuck did to make someone I've never met hostile to me before I even exist. Like I have to make up for it, prove not everyone in the entire world is a giant backstabbing, hateful, soul-leaching diablerist. But I don't want to have to. I don't want to face it. I want to forget that there are so many people living their lives as constant battles.
I don't know what any of this has to do with each other. Itself. Etc. Just spewing. Sometimes I feel like I'm shaking, just holding myself together. Not letting the parts out.